On Decisions

When I was a child, I believed, with what limited knowledge of the world that I had, that my decisions would not have a lasting impact on my life.  Now that I am all grown up (going to be twenty five years very soon!), and feeling older every day, I realize just how significant certain decisions that I made in life have impacted who I am today.  I mean, none of this rings more true than my decision to NOT listen to my mother’s constant haranguing about how I need to practice piano (a characteristic I am sure MANY asian people are QUITE accustomed to).  One of my biggest regrets in my life is that I did not take my piano lessons more seriously.  Instead of spending hours upon hours soaking in ridiculously stupid cartoons (such as XMEN OR SPIDERMAN) (SCRATCH THAT DID I SAY STUPID I MEANT AWESOME!), I should have been sitting at that piano chair for hours upon hours, grinding through tedious song after tedious song…cause if nothing else, hey, maybe it would have landed me a wife by now!  (Can you say AMEN!?)  Furthermore, I drank lots of coffee, slept at all random and stupid hours, and in general just was not very careful with what I ate and now I am f’in short.  F my life.  A little chunky too.  F my life times two.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, but didn’t.  I think I find myself thinking that a lot, to be quite frank.  History is such a funny thing, looking back at all the decisions and all the mistakes you’ve made…wishing you could take some of those, even if it were just one, of them back.  Hah, but try as I might, I find out every single day that life doesn’t work that way.  That you have to live with the decisions that you make. 

I have this scary intuition…I don’t know why.  I can just…understand situations and things in an almost supernatural way.  I wonder if maybe this curse (and sometimes a blessing) is the gift of discernment.  Sometimes I’d rather just live in bliss and oblivion.  Knowing, oftentimes, is painful…knowing…oftentimes, makes me franctic, and makes me think illogically when I’m processing different thoughts/ideas.  Knowing is one of my biggest gifts and it’s one of my biggest curses.  I’m not even going to play the false humility card here, sorry.  It’s not that I know everything, or that I’m always right.  But I know that one of the things that I have been blessed with is just my ability to comprehend and understand different things.

I remember when my ex-girlfriend (who is now married, God bless their hearts) told me that (basically) she was cheating on me.  I know technically, it wasn’t cheating.  But basically, it was.  The funny thing is, right before she even TOLD ME about it, I already knew.  She didn’t even have to open her mouth and I already knew.  And the way that I knew was soo retarded.  She had posted on her xanga site, some random gibberish about this and that, and then at the end of her xanga post, she had this one simple sentence, “I am excited about the future.”  And that was all that it took.

I knew she had someone else.  I knew that there was another guy in her life.  I never held it against that guy.  It wasn’t his fault, freak, he didn’t even know me.  And honestly, I would have probably done the same exact thing had I been in his shoes.  But unfortunately, I was the recipient, and not the distributer of the pain in that particular situation. 

Anyways, even though I knew it, hearing it…oh man.  That was something totally different.  The moment that that thought was actually confirmed, pain shot through my heart and my body in ways that I never thought imagineable.  I reacted in such a freaking crazy way…I was throwing the phone, cussing up a storm, yelling.  As a matter of fact, I went back into my room (holy crap I hope she never reads this!) and got this picture album thing that she gave me.  I was soo pissed off and angry that, although the casing was made of glass, I smashed my hand right through it, causing glass to shatter all over the ground and literally dig into my knuckles.  This was seriously straight out of a korean drama.  Blood was dripping down my hands, and although I wasn’t crying (I think I was beyond tears), I felt defeated, betrayed, and well…a little bit humiliated.  That mixed in with the fact that I lost someone that I was so close to, I knew, forever…it really hurt.  And then I found out I had cancer and my parents died in some freak car accident, and pretty much everyone I knew died in some…way…somehow.  (I bet now I’m going to get a buncha concerned comments, YOU HAVE CANCER?  Context, people!) 

I always wish I could take back that day.  Take it all back.  My reaction.  My everything.  I was so dissastisfied with the way that I reacted.  “Why did I let it get to me so much?“  I promised myself that I would never let that happen again.  But then I keep finding myself just…being human…time and time again.  So many times I wish and I desire to have the abillity to look beyond these things.  Haha.  That hasn’t always worked out so well.  It’s quite unfortunate.  Sometimes I would like to think of myself as more than human, some super principled guy who can weather any storm in stride.  Then God subtely reminds me that I am pretty weak sauce by sending more pain my way and watching me squirm in my seat.  He’s so funny.  Hahahaha.

I literally shelled up after that.  I became an emotional hard ass.  We had dated for over a year, and in literally 5-7 days I was completely over her.  It was almost as if I never knew her.  Then, I wouldn’t let too many people close to me, and even when things hurt, I forced myself to make it leave my system within a few days.  The way that I interacted with people was never the same, and more than anything, the way that I approached relationships and dating…was never the same.  I…became…so…emotionally detached in so many ways.  Guarding myself.  Protecting myself.

It really left a lasting impact.  I look back on that relationship, and I wonder “do I regret it”?  That’s such a tricky question.  You learn so much from mistakes…but the learning comes at such a high cost.  For me, it came at so much compromising, so much pain, so much jadedness…everything about me changed.  My very fiber, my very being.  And every time I think about it, part of me feels that tinge of pain, that secret chamber of regret burst open in my heart all over again…

There’s no real resolution to this post.  No real point, nothing that I was really trying to get to.  Except…I guess, all decisions in life come with consequences.  Every decision we make in life comes with regret.  It’s in the package.  When we choose, we give up something else…it’s all about cost/benefit.  But once you choose…you can’t go back.  It’s the nature of the business.  I’m not going to be eight years old sitting in front of a piano again.  I’m not going to be back to my sophomore year before I started dating my ex all over again. 

Such is life.

Girlfriend from the Harvest

One of the sad realities that every post-grad is confronted with is the idea of “limited selection”.  What is limited selection, you might ask?  Well, let me (laced with as much bitterness as I can possibly conjure up) explain what the freak limited selection is.  Limited selection is that plague, that unholy and ungodly phenomenon that occurs when your social network (which used to be quite expansive during college years) suddenly shrinks to almost nothing.  Yes…it is the blackhole of every freaking single person’s life.  You find yourself in a world of NO POTENTIALS.  NO NOTHING.  JUST.  NO ONE.  It’s quite sad.  Suddenly, all the thirty year old women your mom suggests that you should date (and introduces you to) look just that much more attractive to you. Suddenly, Thomas becomes quite an appealing option.  Suddenly, you find yourself “accidently” browsing through pictures on Eharmony.com and Match.com.  Suddenly, you wonder if maybe my sister’s boyfriend method of stalking girls on facebook and messaging them to go out on a date is a viable option…freaking…worked for him.  

Then in your sorrow, and pathetic-ness, reality grips you, and you realize that walking around with someone who looks as old as your mom would probably not be such a hot idea.  Nor ending up with a girl that you find online (whose real name is Bob, that just came out of prison, and wants to have a good time with you) is smart.  Cause…that would count as a very, very bad situation. Definitely.  Very.  Bad.  

Anyways.  

This idea of “limited selection” is such a sad thing.  And it’s compounded even more ridiculously in So-Cal Christian culture.  In So-Cal Christianity you’re confronted with the reality that #1 Most of the girls you know don’t know Jesus and #2 So-Cal Hollywood type standards (both male and female) of what we expect from the opposite sex is just that much more retarded.  Sam Lee says that every man in So-Cal expects their women to have the “heart of mother teresa” and the “body of Jessica Alba” (before she got pregnant…) SO TRUE.  JUST GO TO ANY Pastor’s Conference in So-Cal and LET THAT SPEAK FOR ITSELF.

Dude, and honestly, this is a cross gender thing. Everyone always accuses the male of being superficially charged when confronted with issues like this but, OMG, IT GOES BOTH WAYS. I once had a girl friend (not girlfriend, but girl friend.  Yes.  the space makes a big difference, okay?) who I was interested in, give me (maybe as a subtle suggestion) a list of TWENTY FIVE FREAKING QUALITIES SHE EXPECTED HER FUTURE HUSBAND TO HAVE (DAMN MAN).  ”Must be tall” (FUDGE).  ”Must be good singer” (FUDGE TIMES TWO).  ”Must have muscle boobs the size of basketballs” (I’M SOO SCREWED).  Everyone’s standards in Hollywood culture are INSANE.  None of us want to settle!  THAT CURSED WORD, “SETTLE”!  To settle is worse than to die itself.  

I ate lunch with Jeremiah today and we were talking about how so many people who are NOT living in So-Cal are getting married.  Everywhere!  People get married at like 20, 21, 22, 23 years old.  Shoot, in Alabama, they get married at like freaking sixteen.  I have a friend in Nor-Cal who just got married at 23! WTH?  DUDE THAT’S AT LEAST TEN MORE YEARS OF “THE HUMPTY DUMPTY” THEY ARE GOING TO ENJOY THAN MOST SO-CAL CHRISTIAN WHO MARRY AT 28+.  Scratch that.  NON-NOMINAL 28+ CHRISTIAN PEOPLE, because as made obvious by my old roommate’s roommate (who we will not name here) nominal christians definitely get the benefits early on…

Dang.  Maybe I should convert to nominal Christianity.  HAHA.  Just kidding.  *sob*.

Honestly, these last few years, my prayers for revival have steadily increased because I NEED TO FIND A WIFE.  GOOD LORD.  MY MOM PRESSURES ME EVERY DAY NOW.  IT’S LIKE AN INCESSANT, CONTINUOUS DRONING NOISE IN MY EARS EVERY WAKING MOMENT.   “Sam, when will you get married?  Do you want me to die before you have children?  Oh no…there is no hope for you.  Oh no…let me introduce you to my friend, she just got divorced.  Oh no…we need to pray for you every day.”  Dah!  HOLY CRAP. GOOD LORD!  GIRLFRIEND FROM THE HARVEST IN JESUS NAME!  I receive it!

I know there was a well pool of controversy in my post, and I’m probably going to get killed for even posting this…but really, the only point I’m really trying to make is that I feel like for myself, I’m beginning to rethink what I value and what I cherish in what I want in my future “significant other”.  I remember when I was flying back from Taiwan after a one week trip there, and there was a “lay over” at the Japanese airport.  And I don’t know if it was just that day…or what…but honestly, every girl in that airport was amazingly gorgeous.  I was completely…shocked at how many pretty girls (WHO MIGHT I ADD WERE ALL SIGNIFICANTLY SHORTER THAN I WAS!) were in that airport. 

And I kept thinking to myself, “Damn, I need to move to Japan!”  But…then I couldn’t help but think to myself, why do I even care?  And also, will I miss someone who’s very special, maybe in many ways so perfect for me, just because I’m blinded by unrealistic expectations?  I sometimes wonder…man.  And I hope not.  Look.  Honestly, I’m realistic, too.  I think you do need to be attracted physically to the person you end up with.  And in no way am I saying otherwise.  But maybe…just maybe…you gotta look and dig a little bit deeper sometimes.  Find some gems, and some jewels in places you’d never thought you’d find them…

I know how this business works, it’s not really one of those things that anyone can be convicted about, and no matter what you think or what you hear, you can’t ever really “shake it off”.  We’re sort of…it’s just the way we are, and we can’t even really help it.  It is seriously really hard not to be so obsessed with fleeting and temporal things…

But man.  I really do hope…that I don’t miss her…just because…I’m…blind.

Friends

Basketball till freaking 3 AM in the morning, shooting even when the lights have completely turned off and only we are there.  Laughter echoing through the dead silent of night, as we talk about God knows what, and to be honest, it doesn’t even matter.  Late night pillow talk till we fall asleep (oh freak we are such yuj’s) pretty much everything (and by that of course I MEAN GIRLS!).  Realizing how pathetic it is that we are all getting old and still none of us…have…anyone.  Oh man.  At least we have each other!

Slumber parties, even at the age of twenty four (did I forget to mention in my other post that we’re all pathetic?).  Giggling grown men, harrassing each other and touching each others boobies in the most non-sexual way possible.  (chyea right).  Corona with a lime, just because I said I like it.  Screaming at the top of our lungs as Kobe smashes down a thunderous dunk over an unsuspecting defender.  More giggling as man boobs are being touched, and the infamous “nooooooo” echoing coyly from a…gorilla?  Praying together till the butt-crack of dawn…okay, mostly falling asleep while trying to pray together till the butt-crack of dawn.  Spontaneous worship, just because we can. 

Late night trips to norms, even though I’m the only one that freaking gains any weight from it you bastards.  Two perfect six packs and one nice pot belly.  5″10″, 5′10″, 5′6″.  Fudge.  Maybe if I hang around you guys long enough I’ll get taller.  Oh please, God!

Random email confessions of love, and i quote “i kno this is kind of random and kind of…gay…but i just wanted to take the time to tell you guys that i really appreciate you two.  you guys are really emotional/spiritual pillars in my life and i don’t know what i would do without your guys’ continual support, love, and companionship.”

Carrying each others burdens.  Praying for each other when everyone else probably forgets to.  Learning from each other, and teaching each other all the fine points of life like how to drink an irish car bomb.  Buying tickets to future Laker games cause OMG ARE THEY FREAKING AWESOME THIS YEAR.  Sleeping till 2 PM because we are ridiculous.

Friends.  Real, real friends.  And sometimes a little bit more than friends, too.