Week 1: The Steakhouse

Warning: The content of this website is going to be crude, and at times what you may consider inappropriate humor. If you cannot take a joke, then please don’t read this blog, it was not meant to be taken too seriously.

Arnie Morton’s is my favorite steakhouse. From the moment that I walk into the beautifully decorated place, the décor and sensational smells that fill the atmosphere ravish me, and the only thing that I am obsessed with is that big, fat, juicy piece of steak that I will soon be destroying with my ravenous appetite. It is a refuge of safety and security, and what’s more, any piece of meat that I want is mine for the taking! Luscious, rich, tender, perfectly pink and red in the center, each bite an explosion of taste and splendor that fills the inner most depths of my senses: bliss. Good lord—I’m hungry.

The choices are always pretty simple, but there are choices none the less. I remember the first time that I walked into this hallowed sanctuary for every meat eating human being (those who don’t eat meat are so horribly deprived) like me. I sat down, and the waiter brings out a whole cart of half cows to display, enticing the would be patron to select from their menu. “Sir, today, our special is the double porterhouse steak, 48 ounces of pure heart stopping beauty, ready to be partially digested in your too packed to break down everything stomach.” For those of you who don’t know, that’s three pounds of glorious cow. My mouth salivates at the thought…lust fills my eyes, and before I know it, greed and hunger catalyzes my decision to order a steak that is supposed to be eaten by two people and costs an incredible fortune.

They throw a huge block of bread in front of me—I know why they do this. I am convinced that if it were not for that piece of bread block, I would revert from my civilized state of reasonable social etiquette, and would transform into an animal, opting to eat the beef completely rare instead of cooked because of my anxious desire to get at that beef! But, no…instead, I choose to gnaw at this (pretty good) but less than satisfactory product of grain and wheat sitting before me. No one wants to settle for second best.

Fifteen minutes later, the anticipation almost bursting at the seams, you see the waiter walking toward your table with your order. Before you know it, 48 ounces of gorgeous steak is sitting before you, and without a single thought, you devour it, filling every portion of your stomach until you feel like you’re going to explode. Yup. I love Arnie Morton’s. I love steak.

Sometimes people tell me that if I went to a slaughterhouse, I would feel differently about eating meat. Hell no. I mean I love animals. But not that much. Good lord, I will take up that blade and slaughter the cow myself if the slaughterhouse ever closed down! God bless cows; they were meant to be eaten.

So to what end is all this nonsense babble about? Isn’t this supposed to be a post about relational dating? Why the hell did you spend five paragraphs graphically making me hungry beyond despair (except maybe that last one with the imagery of me raising a butcher’s knife and bringing it down mercilessly onto a cow)? There’s an illustration I want to draw up here: Retreats, Conferences, and social networks (in the relationship dating world) are like an Arnie Morton’s Steakhouse.

First thought that probably came to your mind: hell no. In the words of a southern man, “I ain’t ever eaten no piece of cow at no retreat!” Well, touché. You have a very valid and legitimate argument, but unfortunately, in this analogy, I am not comparing food.

When we go to retreats, there are two things that dominate our train of thought, most of the times competing for our attention. I am guilty of this. And if you say that you’re not, then you’re absolutely lying. The first thought that most of us experience at retreat (these two in no particular order) is that we want to encounter God. Amen and amen. The second thought is this: “I want to find me a damned piece of steak!”

Steak. A woman. A man. A person; delicious, luscious, beautiful, juicy…anything and everything to satisfy that intrinsic need of every human being to feast upon their desire for that famous four letter word: love.  Romanticism at its finest, western culture literally brainwashing us and convincing us that we can’t miss out on this wonderful experience of flowers and roses and…sickening.   This is the desire, but the question becomes how in the heck do you pick amongst the myriads of choices?  What’s more, where do you find the steak of your greatest desire? 

I want to talk about the initial contact. What is the initial contact, you ask? The initial contact is when the patron first encounters the product. We go to retreats and conferences to engage in that initial contact. Clubs. Parties. Social Gatherings. Churches. The list goes on forever. The wider our social network, the more we can have “initial” contact with a ton of different members of the opposite sex. Retreats and conferences, however, provide a special opportunity that none of these others provide: a time to stay centralized in one place so that you can really engage the menu, three to four days to actually test the meat before you buy it.

The content of these few paragraphs may be crude, and some of you women in particular may be squirming in your seat, but I think we can all agree that to some extent you know exactly what I’m talking about. And in that lies the point of this whole beginning: we desire relationship, and the only way we can get into this relationship is if we find someone to get into this relationship with. So to that extent, we are always looking. And if we are looking, every new situation or new person is someone we “check” to see if they have potential.

If this is to be the case, then, a clear understanding of how to engage the initial contact (and what to look out for in that initial contact) may be beneficial to the reader. Maybe not. Maybe you are already an initial contact guru. If that’s the case, you’re probably not a cultural Christian. But for those of you who aren’t, I want to blabber a bit in these next few weeks about various things in the initial contact that are important (from my less than professional experience). I want to help you find a sensational piece of steak. I want to help you enjoy that steak and not let it upset your stomach, especially if the steak just doesn’t fit your taste.

So with that, vegetarians stay at home. We’re going to the meat factory.

Series: My Thoughts on Relationships

I have decided recently to start a weekly series on my thoughts on relationships. A couple disclaimers at the offset of this (this is not my first post, but the disclaimer post) is that in the context of this discussion, there is very little biblical material to really draw from, so on that note, they will not be heavily “scripture” oriented. Furthermore, the context of the old and new testament deems it almost impossible to really adopt scriptural references of relational interaction since the day and time is so different, and the culture and social paradigms that we live in today are radically different. For instance, even the western explosion of “romanticism” is, at the heart of it all, an ideal that is pretty modern.

With that being said, I want you guys to know that these are solely my opinions, and although I will have certain posts devoted solely to drawing out the scripture implications of relational interaction, most of what I say is going to be more an observation and analysis of culture and the things that I have noticed. They are not really meant to be disputed, and I am not trying to disagree with anyone. If you disagree with me, feel free to tell me, but just know that I probably won’t care what you have to say cause this topic isn’t that important to me. The only reason why I start this post series is because I want to #1 provide some humor, #2 I want to clarify some things that I personally feel are important on this topic and #3 I hope that in some ways it will help us define how we are to engage the opposite sex in any context and situation.

I will have a post up every week by at least Monday 8 pm starting next Monday. My first post may be a bit sooner, but I am not sure yet. Therefore, if you want, you can check week to week on Monday nights to see what the new topic is about. Take care, and happy reading.

2008: Confessions

Welcome to my 2008 post. There will be secrets unveiled in this aphotic post. Secrets that may stir you, and may ultimately even cause you to think differently of me. Before I unveil such secrets, I ask first and foremost that you would read this post with an open mind. As we begin 2008, I felt that I had to unveil these secrets for not only myself, but for the community to understand my heart. And so it begins…

For many years, there have been many things I have hidden about myself that no one knows about, or rather, no one in the community I currently reside in. It has often, even for myself, taken a lot of time to come to complete terms with some of these realities which I am about to disclose. I am opening up the inner depths of my heart! Please bear with me in my vulnerableness.

Okay. First and foremost I’m going to start off with the minor secrets. Number one: In 2007 I ATE GOLD. Yes, my friends, you have heard me correctly! I ATE GOLD! 24 Karat gold, non poisonous and completely edible. I scarfed that mofo down like there was no tomorrow. And my crap has been sparkling gold ever since. If, my friend, you want golden poo then the secret to that dream lies in this: eat gold. You can purchase it online, just google “edible gold”. Join me in my exploitation of 21st century strange cooking methods! Eat GOLD! CRAP GOLD! PEE GOLD. Together we will form a gold eating society, and our golden poo will one day make us incredibly rich! YES! Join my alliance.

Anyways. Confession number two: I like poetry.

*Gasp*. Now first and foremost, as I am sure some of you men giggled and some of you women just thought “what’s wrong with that?”, I want to clarify that I am 100% sure of my sexuality. There is nothing in this world that can EVER convince me that I am ANYTHING other than ABSOLUTELY, WHOLEHEARTEDLY HOMOS…I mean HETEROSEXUAL. No, this is the truth…this is the reality. I enjoy poetry. It makes me feel like a real man. Oh yea.

Robert Frost, “Roads Diverged” has got to be one of my favorites, but in particular I am a huge John Donne fan! If you guys don’t know John Donne a great introduction to his poetry is “The Flea” in which he argues that because a flea had bitten both him and his mistress, that they’ve basically been more intimate than if they had had sex, and so sex shouldn’t be a big deal! WHAT A CRAFTY LITTLE FELLA.

But no really. his later works are some of the most spiritually significant, and deep poetry you will ever read. “Death, be not Proud”, one of the classics. Or this one:

BATTER my heart, three person’d God; for, you
As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow mee,’and bend
Your force, to breake, blowe, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt towne, to’another due,	5
Labour to’admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in mee, mee should defend,
But is captiv’d, and proves weake or untrue.
Yet dearely’I love you,’and would be loved faine,
But am betroth’d unto your enemie:	10
Divorce mee,’untie, or breake that knot againe;
Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
Except you’enthrall mee, never shall be free,
Nor ever chast, except you ravish mee.

Oh the beauty of poetry. Lifts me off my feet and transforms my dismal life! It is the romantic heart’s greatest desire, to be able to spurn out poetry of great insight, beauty and depth! NOT THAT I’m romantic, of course. But I could imagine what a romantic person would think like…

ANYWAYS. Confession number 3: I am the king of the white lie.

Case Scenario. You come up to me with a fat pimple on your nose. I look at it, notice it, (WHO DOESN’T!), and I look at you, straight in the face, and pretend like it’s a normal day where inside I am bursting at the seems, dying to laugh at your poor disastrous fate, but I don’t. WHY? BECAUSE I AM THE KING OF THE WHITE LIE!

Okay, okay. Maybe that example hasn’t convinced you. Case Scenario two. You send me one of your essays for me to “look over”. “It’s not that bad, Sam, right?” *Ehem*. *Nervous look*. Oh yes…no. It isn’t bad. I mean, there are only about 200 things we have to change, that’s ALL! could be worse. *ehem*.

THE KING OF WHITE LIES!

And finally, my darkest, deepest, most troublesome secret of all. This one will truly, truly surprise you.

Well no seriously.

Here it goes.

THE TRUTH IS!!!!

Confession Number 4: I AM BATMAN!