Redemption

There are a million things on my heart today. A ton of questions, inquiries that I want to place before the Lord. The position of my heart makes it almost impossible to truly “lay it down at the altar”, but yet I desire…

Call it sacrifice. Call it surrender. We label it so many things, but how many of us truly understand the implications of what it means? To lay down at the altar of an Awesome, Holy, Powerful, and Almighty King? To even approach the very throne He dwells on strikes me with such an overwhelming sense of fear—and it is before this King that I am supposed to bear myself naked?

With a voice that thunders with a power and might that the world could never comprehend, He beckons and calls to me…”Come”. And yet, to even take the first step seems impossible. How can I come, Lord? How can I approach Your throne? I already feel like I want to die in this very spot even though I am a thousand steps away from You. And now, You beckon me to come?

What worth do I have God? You would strike me down with Your right hand of justice the moment I stepped into Your light. You would be filled with righteous indignation, a righteous and just anger by my very sins. And You would be fully justified to destroy me with a swift fell stroke. The sins that I hold onto so dearly…how can I approach? How, Lord? How do I approach the very presence of Him who I fear so deeply?

Nothing I have ever done is safe from You—no secret thought, no secret deed, things that I have forever locked away in my vault of shame, things that I have long forced myself to forget—all these things, exposed. God, I don’t want to approach You, because I fear You. I fear You will deal with me as my sins deserve. That You will look at me, and with reproachful regret, cast me away from Your presence.

I am a wretched and wicked man. The weight of my sins are always before me. The things that I lack so much, the constant shortcomings and weaknesses scream out to me—“what worth do you have, o son of man”? And there is no justification I can give, no answer to that ever pestering voice. “You’re right”, a sighed response. And that is the only conclusion I arrive at—“You’re right”.

Flashes of my deepest and darkest sins. Flashes of my deepest and darkest thoughts. My ever consuming pride. The lust of the eyes. Every sin that the Word warns against—could I have sinned so much? This much? What will the consequences be? Oh God, please forgive me.

There are many things I would like to say in my defense, but I stand defenseless. There are many things I would like to explain, but I stand condemned. Condemned. My shortcomings leave me condemned. No good deed can make up for it. Every good thing that I have ever done seems so trivial and worthless before the myriads of sins that are charged against me.

You beckon, “Come”. I fear what would happen if I did approach. And yet, this awesome voice, spoken with such authority, leaves me little choice but to obey. “Come!”

With every step, a new thought, a new sin, a new crime. It hurts and burns the very depths of my soul. Every step, drowns me deeper and deeper into shame and brokenness. My sins, God! My sins, God!

My inability to love, God! My inability to listen, God! My inability to care, God! My inability to do anything of worth, God! My inability to surrender, God! God! Please leave me be! Let me just die right now, cause I cannot bear the burden of this anymore! Just let me die, Lord! Why must you torture me? Why must the constant inabilities of my life, torture me?

God, please just let me die, instead. Let me die with some sense of my sanity…some sense of acceptance. I cannot even fathom the number of sins I have yet to commit. How many sins are left before me? How much more will these steps burn my soul? How much longer will this shame consume me?

Every step, a burden. Every step…pain. Every step, regret. And yet, somehow I know, I cannot help but approach.

A voice echoes thunderously through the hall, “Son of man, what worth do you have?” The question screamed and pierced the depths of my heart.

I turned back and screamed in fear, “Lord. I have none!” My voice so fragile and weak, compared to His. I could hardly speak, in fear that I would condemn myself even more.

His response exploded through the corridors of the throne room, “Son of man, who am I?”

“You are Lord. You are King. You are God.”

“You speak rightly, but I am so much more than that. I am Justice. I am Grace. I am Holy. I am He who shaped and formed the very ground that You walk on with a single thought. I am He who, with just a thought, brought into existence every single thing that you could comprehend, and reasoned into existence things infinitely beyond anything you could ever imagine. I am Glory.”

Suddenly, myriads of angels begin to cry and sing aloud, “Holy, Holy, Holy! The Lord God Almighty! The whole earth is filled with His Glory!” The reverence and awe that their voices carried felt so heavy on my soul. The weight of his Glory and Holiness filled the room in such a powerful way, that I had to turn away in shame.

“Son of man, behold. Behold!”

The light exuding now from the throne nearly blinded me, as I turned to obey his call to behold. It burned the very core of my being, and consumed every part of my soul. I am dead! I stand guilty and condemned before my King! I have no argument to give.

“Son of man, BEHOLD!” The voice echoed so loudly that I started to shake in fear by the very sound of it. Cries of guilt and anguish erupted in my soul.

“BEHOLD! THE CROSS!”

The radiant glory of the Lord exploded through the very room, and light filled every crevice of darkness in the place. The sheer glory and magnitude of it all brought me down to my knees.

“BEHOLD! MY SON!”

A shaking, an awe, a power so consuming that I could hardly breathe enveloped around me. I felt that I would surely die.

“BEHOLD!”

The ground shook. The earth moved. Every foundation began to shake violently by this very word. Kneeling on the ground, and shaking with fear and trembling, I was afraid to look because I knew that if I did, I would be destroyed. Oh, what a wretched man I am.

And then there was silence. Only the sound of my voice weeping could be heard. I dare not look up. I dare not…

“Son of man.” A gentle whisper.

“Lord?” The only response I could think to give. And then silence. It seemed like an eternity…but then there it was again…a voice that carried the same power and authority, but this time, a clear unmistakable joy and peace blended in, gently called to me, “Son of man.”

“Son of man, behold.”

I looked up. And there, I saw Him on a cross. Blood dripping profusely from both His hands and feet, His flesh so mutilated by the whipping and tormenting of the soldiers that He seemed hardly human. His beautiful face pierced by thorns so sharp that they dug deep into his skull, and His expression filled with so much anguish and pain that I could hardly stand to gaze at Him.

Confusion. “LORD! WHY!?” I screamed. “LORD! WHY!?” My weak frail voice shouted with all its strength. How could the King, that I had just approached, whose voice echoed and shook the very foundation of the earth…how could this King be nailed to a tree?

I started to scream in disbelief. “Lord, Why!” The Holy, the Righteous, the Just, the Glorious King. The very King that sat upon a throne before myriads of angels who unceasingly worshipped with reverence and awe! How could this Lord, my King, be reduced to this!

“LORD! WHY!”?

His gentle eyes…eyes so deep, that even looking into them for one second, exposed every recess of my heart and soul, gazed lovingy at me. I did not understand. How could this be? How could He allow this to happen to Himself?

“Son of man, what is your worth?”

“Lord, I am worth nothing! Let me bear the burden of the cross, My Lord! It is the retribution I deserve! Please! My shame is before me!” My tears soaked the very ground that I stood on, as I couldn’t bear to see my God and King suffering. Why was He suffering when it should be me?

“You are worth everything,” He said.

As He spoke these words, I completely collapsed at His feet. I could not comprehend. Everything? How was I worth everything? Had He not seen the depths of my heart, and the infinite sins that I commit? Did I not just stand before Him, moments ago, rightly condemned?

“My life is worth everything,” He said, “And this life is my gift to you. It is finished.” He breathed His last breath.

I knelt there, weeping. I suddenly realized for the first time, why He was on that cross. He bore that cross for me. He died…for me. I couldn’t believe nor understand it. But I knew it, and the depths of my heart confirmed it—He died…for me. Why, Lord? The question echoed so loudly within me. WHY!? I could not understand. He hung there lifeless on the cross, while I breathed. The injustice of it all, burned so deeply within me.

But then I felt it. Grace. Love. I couldn’t understand it, but it was there. Calling to me, crying for me to be set free. Free from guilt. Free from shame. Free from condemnation. Almost as if He were there, I could hear Him speak to me…”Be free!” And then I knew. I understood. He died, so I could live. He died, so I would be free! He died, so my sins could be wiped clean!

I looked again, at the cross, but to my dismay, while the cross remained, His body was gone. “Lord?” I searched, and could not find Him. “Lord?”

Suddenly, a light pierced through the room, but this time, it was different. It didn’t evoke fear in my heart, but instead, beckoned me to walk into it. It didn’t shake me to my very core…it lovingly surrounded me. And then I saw Him.

He walked toward me, the scars still on his hands and his feet. His smile caressed me. I felt such a joy and a peace…it did not matter, anymore, that I was a wretch. It did not matter, anymore, that I had sinned. He loves me. And I knew now that I could stand before Him unashamed. He had died for me. He had set me free.

The shame and guilt were lifted off, as every step He took toward me filled every chamber of my heart. Peace and joy consumed me.

Then I was before Him. And even more than ever, His beauty and radiance was more than I had imagined! I longed to just be there forever, with Him. I didn’t want to leave.

“Son of man.” My Lord was talking to me!

“Yes, Lord.”

“Son of man, do you love me?”

“Of course I love you, Lord! You have set me free! I was lost but now I’m found! I was blind, but now I see!”

“Son of man, do you love me?”

“Lord, you know that I love you! I would not be alive today, if it were not for You! You gave Your life so that I could live! Lord, I love you!”

“Son of man, do you love me?”

The question hurt. “Lord, I love you. Please, you know that I love you.”

“Then feed my sheep.”

With that, I saw a vision of the billions of people He loved so dearly that it began to hurt. I saw the orphan children, weeping and crying in the deepest and darkest corners of the earth. I saw the widows shivering in the cold. Billions of people who desperately needed Him. All I could do was cry.

“Feed my sheep”, He stated with reverant authority. “Go, make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost, teaching them to obey my commands. And behold, I am with you always, till the end of age.”

I would do anything for Him. My life was His. I knew that I would not be alive if not for Him. He purchased me…I am redeemed.

“Lord, I will go.”